Bears, while we're having fun here, let's not forget the words of the "Father Of Our Country".
We pack the enforcement power of our government over our citizens, but we are also citizens subject to the
government: What social environment we develop and enforce on our citizens, so shall we eventually reap
for ourselves and our families. "The price of freedom is eternal vigilance; the penalty for neglect is slavery!"
"Government is not reason, and it is not eloquence, it is pure force! Like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a
fearful master." - George Washington.
Now, lets get to the .....
BEAR's HUMOR DEN
(Latest postings at the end of page)
Thanks, Laurie, you're now a member of the Den!
Funny Police Quotes
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
And, last but not least...
"You don't like my attitude? I really don't give a s_i t whether or not you like my attitude, fool, and if you don't
like that one either, just call the governor at 1-800-328-7448, as _ _ o l e, and tell him (here you insert your
buddie's or sergeant's name) told you so!! Oh, and, have a nice day"
Anna G, thanks for the visit. All our people with military backgrounds will understand this one!
A little military humor
Thought this might cheer your day! Old, but still cute.
The Differential Theory of U.S. Armed Forces upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO):
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive time-on-target barrage with three forward artillery brigades in
support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success
and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and theater
commander rules of engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to
kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctoral thesis in obscure 5 series field manual about
how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to
properly conduct counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake.
Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist
snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to
Senate Appropriations Committee on how naval forces are the most cost- effective means of anti-snake force
projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all
U.S. forces from area of operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guide snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 HIND helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief
paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on
embassy 100 kilometers east of snake due to weather (too-hot-also-too-cold, was-clear-but-too-overcast,
too-dry-with-rain, unlimited-ceiling-with-low-cloud-cover, etc.) Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar,
high-tech snake-killing device will enable him in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in
military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake; snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only
operable in desert areas of operation without power lines or surface-to-air missiles.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out
VS 17 to mark landing zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARC LIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles
of target.
22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from
National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently
active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Submariner: Doesn't care because the bad air, lack of exercise, lack of sunlight, endless meals, and
radiation will cause an early death.
25. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
From "Kevin", a visitor
Darn Good Excuse... this will give you a chuckle.
A lady bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the
breeze was blowing through her hair, and she decided to open it up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, she suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind her.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," she thought to herself and opened her up further. The needle hit
90, 100......., then the reality of the situation hit her. "What the hell am I doing?" she thought, and pulled
over.
It was a female Trooper who came up to the car, took her license without a word, and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day", the Trooper says, "this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like
more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving, that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The lady thinks for a second and says, "Last week my husband ran off with a female trooper and I was
afraid it might be you and you were trying to give him back!"
"Have a nice weekend!" said the Trooper.
Thanks, Wild Bill B... Damn, this is good!
Bill Gates' Message on Life
For recent high school and college graduates, here is a list of 11 things they did not learn in school. In his
book, Bill Gates talks about how feel-good, politically-correct teachings created a full generation of kids
with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
RULE-1
Life is not "fair"; get used to it.
RULE-2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE
you deserve to feel good about yourself.
RULE-3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of High school. You also won't be a vice
president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE-4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have "tenure", and his
job depends on your performance.
RULE-5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dainty dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for jobs
like burger flipping; they called it opportunity, and a paycheck.
RULE-6
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE-7
Before you were born, your parents weren't nearly as boring as they are now. They got that way
from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you
go out to save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your
own room.
RULE-8
Your school may have done away with "winners" and "losers", but life has not. In some schools they
have even abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This
practice does not bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.
RULE-9
Life is not divided into the semesters you're used to. You don't get summers off, and very few employers are
interested in helping you "find yourself". You're expected to do that on your own time.
RULE-10
Television is NOT "real life". In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE-11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
The Texas Trooper
Trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and WHACK! ...
The trooper smacked him right on top of the head with the stick. The driver finally comes to and asks,
"What the hell was that for!?"
The Trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when
we get to your car.
Not wanting to make his situation with the law any worse, the driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from
around here."
The Trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks
around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and WHACK!
The trooper smacks him with the nightstick also.
After he recovers, the somewhat dazed passenger asks, "Holy smokes, Man!! What did you do that for?"
The Trooper answers, "Just making your wishes come true."
Still incredulous, the passenger follows up with, "Huh, what do you mean?"
The Trooper says, "I know how you Yankees are! Two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that
redneck bastard would've tried that shit with me!"
Lawyers (Thanks, no-name !)
Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A. A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.
Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.
Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. About one in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A. They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed:
A man is presumed innocent and deserves your best defense until he is proven broke.
Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.
Q. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A. (Answer repressed in good taste, that poor kid has suffered enough! ... The Old Bear).
Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together
when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill ... Who gets it?
A. The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Q. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
A. I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
Q. A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Perhaps," the lawyer replied, "...and what is your third question?"
Q. Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
A. He gets taller.
Communication Problem Thanks, Carolyn, a little "girl-humor" here, right?
A man is driving down a road.
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out her window and yells; "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds a curve he crashes into a huge pig in the middle
of the road and dies.
A couple months ago, I asked a neighbor what he was currently reading. He replied; "The Life of the Dalai Lama".
A month or so after that, I received this tidbit in e-mail. Even though the sender didn't ask it be posted, it seems
worthwhile. A break from jokes, perhaps? Hope you enjoy it. The Old Bear.
INSTRUCTIONS For Life (Thanks, Gary.)
This is what the Dalai Lama has to say on the millennium. All it takes is a few seconds to read and think over.
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:
Respect for self
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
The Honest Lawyer (Thanks, A.G., and jokelist@jokes2000.com!)
An investment counselor decided to go into business on her own. She was shrewd
and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized
that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young
lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the
first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity
must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you
an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about
honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my
education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very
first case."
"Impressive," she replied. "And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the
money."
Your Next President (Thanks, Judge!)
Al Gore Quotes (Oh, oh, here we go again!)
"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure." - Al Gore
"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." - Vice President Al Gore
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very
important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, & water. If there is water, that means
there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." - Vice President Al Gore, 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century's history. But we all
lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." - Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy but that could change." - Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of a vice president, & that one
word is "to be prepared’." - Vice President Al Gore 12/6/93
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the
future." - Vice President Al Gore
"The future will be better tomorrow." Vice President Al Gore
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have
a tremendous impact on history." - Vice President Al Gore
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." - Vice president Al Gore
to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." - Vice President Al Gore
"I am not part of the problem. I am a democrat." - Vice President Al Gore
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." - Vice President Al Gore
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my
answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The
rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to
blame." - Al Gore
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." -
Vice President Al Gore 5/20/96
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." - Vice
President Al Gore, 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority." - Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
Vice President Al Gore, 9/18/95
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it." - Vice President Al Gore
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." - Vice President
Al Gore
AND OF COURSE, (TO ALL USERS OF THE INTERNET), THE ALL TIME FAVORITE
QUOTATION OF MR. AL GORE:
"As many of you know, I was very instrumental in the founding of the
Internet." - Vice President Al Gore to Katie Couric 3/99
OK, since Al Gore got blamed for the last ones, you might as well have this one!
GORE PLOT EXPOSED! THE SECRET MINUTES
Wesley Pruden
THE WASHINGTON TIMES
this just in, off the Internet. Since Al Gore invented
the Internet, it must be genuine. Or maybe it came in over
the transom, which is why we keep the last transom in town.
Whatever. It appears to be a transcript of some sort of
strategy meeting in Nashville. All the Gore regulars seem to
have been there, good ol' Al and Holy Joe. A consultant. A
pollster. Aides, arrangers, fixers, writers, pizza delivery
men.
For what it's worth, a partial text:
UNIDENTIFIED CONSULTANT: The good news is that we
continue to look good in New York and Massachusetts. But
internal polls show slippage in the Midwest, and worst of
all, there's trouble in Florida and Tennessee.
POLLSTER: Zogby has our lead cut in half over the last
week, it's shrinking with Gallup. Battleground shows Bush
ahead by three points. Soon the guys on the plane will catch
on.
MR GORE: I could kiss Tipper again.
CONSULTANT: Uh, we thought of that. Tipper nixed it.
She just said no.
MR GORE: Kissing Oprah might be fun.
CONSULTANT: Didn't you see the papers? She insisted we
let George do it.
POLLSTER: We've got to hold Tennessee.
MR GORE: Particularly if I can't hold Tipper.
CONSULTANT: The evangelicals are drifting away in dribs
and drabs. You're telling too many fibs. They take seriously
whatever that commandment is about not telling fibs and
whoppers.
HOLY JOE: It's one of the most important of all the
Thou Shalt Nots.
MR GORE: But I did invent beisbol. Maybe not the whole
game. But I was the first to play it at St. Alban's. Only we
called it cricket.
CONSULTANT: Florida's worse. Joe is holding the Jews in
Dade County, but we're losing the Baptist crackers in the
panhandle.
MR GORE: I could make a speech in Pensacola about the
time I baptized my sister's cat. I could tell the Jesus joke
that cracked Joe up in L.A.
POLLSTER: Nah, those family sob stories don't work
anymore. Not since the whopper you told about the dog eating
your mama's prescription.
CONSULTANT: Right. We need something really dramatic,
with good visuals.
HOLY JOE: You could photograph me in person, walking to
synagogue on the Sabbath.
POLLSTER: Uh, no. Some of the rabbis are livid at the
things we've had you saying about what's kosher and what's
not.
CONSULTANT: Yeah, we've pushed the God talk as far as
we can. Unless we can get a fresh angle.
MR GORE: Any ideas?
CONSULTANT: Actually, yes. Joe made a nice U-turn on
the Hollywood stuff, so now the voters expect him to be, uh,
flexible, in his beliefs. What we do is, Joe and the missus
convert to another religion. This is our October surprise.
Maybe in a black church. Lots of tears and shouting and
hip-hop hymns. The sawdust trail and all that. We'll get
terrific visuals.
MR GORE: My, God. Uh, excuse me, Joe. G-d. The rabbis
will go bonkers.
POLLSTER: Actually, no. Some of them are so fed up with
you already they'll probably say good riddance.
HOLY JOE: But I believe in my own religion.
MR GORE: Pipe down, Holy Joe. I'll decide what you
believe in.
HOLY JOE: Isn't one Baptist on the ticket enough? Deep
water scares me.
CONSULTANT: No, no. We'll be more inclusive than that.
We'll sprinkle you into a Methodist.
HOLY JOE: What about Unitarian? I could be a Unitarian
and still be a Jew. Or even a high-church Episcopalian. But
I won't turn gay. That's absolutely final.
POLLSTER: We've got focus groups working on that. We'll
let you know.
HOLY JOE: You're asking a lot, if you ask me.
MR GORE: Well, I'm not asking you.
HOLY JOE: You're the boss, boss.
POLLSTER: Look, there's precedent. The Queen is an
Anglican in London and a Presbyterian in Edinburgh.
Sometimes she converts in her sleep, when her train crosses
into Scotland. She just lies there and doesn't feel a thing.
CONSULTANT: Sure, you can still be a Jew on Saturday.
If the rabbis will have you.
POLLSTER: And when the campaign is over you can do
whatever you want.
MR GORE: Yeah, after the election we're going to do a
lot of things we can't talk about now.
HOLY JOE: Gee, I don't know. It's pretty bad to lie
about everything you believe in. Some people take religion
pretty seriously. A lot of people used to think I did.
MR GORE: Look, Joe, do you want to be vice president or
not?
HOLY JOE: Can you help me with the words of the third
verse of 'Amazing Grace'?
This article was mailed from The Washington Times
For more great articles, visit us at http://www.washtimes.com
Copyright (c) 2000 News World Communications, Inc. All
rights reserved.
Good Grief...... As if that isn't enough "Gore"...
Remember that Johnny Chung fellow? (Yes, he's an American citizen). We prosecuted him for being a conduit of
Chinese donations to the
Democratic National Committee ("DNC") for the Clinton-Gore campaign. Now it seems DNC asked him for some
more of that Chinese money for the Gore campaign-2000!
Please, "No More Gore, and no more serious politics, just good jokes and humor only"! The Old Bear.
You Need A Laugh Today!
That's all for now, Bears, until visitors send in some more!
Old Bear
